Imagine this: You’re in the midst of a mundane conversation, a harmless critique is thrown your way, and suddenly, you erupt. Anger consumes you, your response far outweighing the initial comment. It’s a classic case of overreacting, right? Perhaps. But could there be more at play beneath the surface? In this blog, I will be discussing when a loved one or partner overreacts, but also what to do when you are the one overreacting.
Divorce, Overreaction, and Unresolved Trauma
Research suggests a consistent pattern of overreaction often stems from unresolved childhood trauma, particularly in situations involving divorce.
Externally, these reactions translate into outbursts of rage, typically disproportionate to the immediate trigger. For those around you, your home may feel like a minefield, with loved ones treading on eggshells to avoid detonating your explosive anger. Interactions become a nerve-wracking exercise, with every word and action being carefully weighed to avoid potential conflict.
Internally, the roots of these emotional eruptions often extend far deeper than the immediate situation. Unresolved trauma from childhood – experiences of neglect, abuse, or constant invalidation – can lay the foundation for this pattern of overreaction. When cries for help or attention went unheard or dismissed in your formative years, feelings of powerlessness and unworthiness may have seeped in. These feelings can persist into adulthood, influencing your perception of yourself and your interactions with others.
Finally, It feels patently unjust that your past traumas continue to dictate your present, that wounds inflicted in childhood should cast such a long shadow over your life. You find it unfair that these unresolved issues are now damaging your current relationships, causing pain and confusion to those you love. It can be especially hard to reconcile with the fact that your actions, driven by this unresolved trauma, could be recreating a similar traumatic environment for others around you.
Navigating these turbulent waters can be incredibly challenging. However, understanding the roots of your overreaction and acknowledging its impact is the first step towards healing and change. There is help available, and it’s never too late to reach out and start your journey towards a more peaceful and fulfilling life.
Real Life Example
As a divorce mediator with more than 30 years of experience, I’ve seen the turmoil and emotional upheaval that divorce can bring. Let me share a story with you that may resonate with your own experience.
Consider a client of mine, a child of divorce. His mother was an everyday rage monster, his father a passive bystander finding solace in alcohol. This resulted in a daily dose of humiliation and fear, leading to lifelong feelings of impotence and the adoption of rage as a means of control.
If you see bits of yourself or your loved one reflected in this client, steps need to be taken.
What to Do if Your Loved One Overreacts
1. Equip Yourself with the Right Tools
If you are living with an overactive individual, it can be an emotionally challenging experience, fraught with volatile exchanges and ever-present tension. The unpredictability and intensity of these reactions can leave you feeling emotionally drained, anxious, and uncertain of how to navigate daily interactions. Therapy can help you develop strategies to maintain your ground in high-pressure situations. This might involve understanding and setting healthy boundaries, and learning how to enforce them consistently. Boundary-setting can be particularly challenging in a relationship with an overactive individual, where the boundaries may frequently be tested or ignored. Yet, with the right support and guidance, you can learn to affirm these boundaries without inciting further discord.
2. Protect Your Children
Every child inherently has the right to feel safe and secure in their own home. This safety is not only about physical well-being but also about emotional and psychological protection. Living in an environment where an adult overreacts frequently can be unsettling and traumatic for children. It may lead to emotional distress, reduced self-esteem, and even long-lasting mental health issues, as they grow older. They may grow accustomed to walking on eggshells, fearing the next outburst that may come their way, an experience that no child should have to endure.
3. Stay Calm
When faced with an overreaction, your initial instinct might be to match their intensity, to defend yourself, or to retaliate. While this is a natural reaction, it can often lead to a destructive cycle of escalating emotions and an inability to resolve the issue at hand effectively. Instead, endeavor to maintain a calm and composed demeanor. This does not mean suppressing your feelings or conceding to unfair treatment. It’s about choosing to respond rather than react impulsively. By keeping your tone steady, you are less likely to say things in the heat of the moment that you might later regret. It also sends a message to your spouse that you are attempting to manage the situation in a mature and respectful manner.
If You the One Overreacting
1. Seek Professional Help
Recognizing that you have an overreactive pattern is a significant initial step towards personal growth and healing. It requires a level of self-awareness and honesty that many might find challenging but is absolutely essential for change. It’s not about blaming yourself, but understanding that your responses are not serving you or your relationships well, and that there’s room for improvement. Often, these overreactions stem from unresolved issues or childhood trauma. These experiences, while difficult to revisit, may have created patterns of fear, stress, and hypersensitivity to perceived threats, leading to a cycle of overreaction in your adult life. Recognizing this connection can be a profound revelation, opening the door to healing and growth.
2. Consider Medication
Seeking advice from a physician or psychiatrist may help in controlling these bouts of anger. Medications can sometimes help regain composure and learn more appropriate emotional responses. Physicians, particularly psychiatrists, have an in-depth understanding of the intricate ways our brains process emotions and reactions. They can assess whether there may be an underlying mental health condition, such as anxiety disorder, bipolar disorder, or even untreated ADHD, that could be exacerbating your tendency to overreact. This is not to label or stigmatize but to provide a more comprehensive understanding of what might be happening beneath the surface.
Let’s Break the Cycle
Now that you’re aware of the underlying issues contributing to overreaction and the tools available to address them, it’s time to act. Divorce mediation can provide the assistance and guidance you need to tackle these issues head-on, fostering healthier relationships and more controlled emotional responses.
If you found this blog post helpful or know someone who could benefit from it, feel free to share it or sign up for regular posts on my website. Please don’t hesitate to contact me at 818-523-5723. Together, we can break the cycle of overreaction and build healthier emotional landscapes.
Recent Comments