As a psychotherapist and divorce mediator, I work every day helping mothers of all types to navigate difficult parenting circumstances. While there are isolated incidents of mothers who lack the basic skills to adequately care for their children, most mothers I work with are battling issues on the other side of the spectrum.

Instead of exuding pride and esteem about their competencies as a mother, most mothers I work with are plagued with self-doubt, comparison, guilt, and perfectionism. This negative self-perception is actually a serious danger to the relationship they are seeking to build with their children. In this article, I will unpack this pressure to be perfect and hopefully offer a new concept for understanding yourself as a mother that will lead to greater health and wellbeing.

The Pressure of Being Perfect

The concept of the “perfect mother,” who effortlessly juggles all responsibilities, is fundamentally a myth. We all might know someone who appears to have it together: managing a part-time job, timely school pickups, preparing nutritious meals, and always present at every sporting event. While it’s important to note that fathers are equally capable of these tasks, this article concentrates on mothers.

However, the perfect parent is a construct that doesn’t exist in reality. Our culture, unfortunately, elevates this idealized image, casting it as the protagonist of the latest parenting books and propagating the myth on social media platforms like Instagram, Facebook, and Twitter.

Good Enough

In the realm of psychology, there’s a concept known as “good enough.” Recognizing that no parent is perfect allows us to set reasonable and achievable benchmarks for good parenting, known as being “good enough.”

“Good enough” parenting signifies providing a sense of security, both emotionally and physically. It embodies empathy, enabling us to understand our children’s feelings and experiences. By putting ourselves in their shoes, we can respond appropriately to their developmental stages and needs.

Now, let’s delve into the four key attributes of a “good enough” mother:

1. A “good enough” mother draws wisdom from others but refrains from ceaseless comparison. Constant comparison inevitably leads to feelings of inadequacy, damaging our self-esteem and confidence. This can subsequently affect our children, impacting their self-esteem. While it’s crucial to have a motherly figure we admire, it’s equally important to recognize our uniqueness and that of our children.
2. Empathy is a defining trait of a “good enough” mother. She is capable of setting aside her needs at times to facilitate learning and display compassion for her children. She discerns when they need to solve problems on their own and when they need guidance. At every stage, our role is to guide, explain, comfort, and correct our children.
3. A “good enough” mother isn’t devoid of flaws. All of us grapple with issues, be it persistent anxiety, depression, or low self-esteem. Some of us may need regular reassurance from our partners that we’re doing well. However, the truth remains that none of us have it all together.
4. “Good enough” mothers are resilient. They are able to understand they are loved and accepted even when they make mistakes. “Perfect” mothers are overly critical of themselves, but “good enough” mothers are not derailed by failure. Instead, they learn and adapt with grace for themselves and for others.

Improving Your Self-Talk

Indeed, there are mothers who struggle with parenting, and some have serious issues that prevent them from adequately caring for their children. But the majority of mothers I talk to are already adequately caring for their children. They are already trying to do too much, and what they need to hear is that they can be a “good enough” mother and stop trying to be the perfect mother.

Persistently deeming yourself inadequate is a self-deception. Telling yourself that you are a parenting failure is detrimental to your mental health and hampers your parenting skills. “Good enough” mothers, on the other hand, are able to accept their limitations. If you are struggling with being a “good enough” mother, if you are troubled by negative thoughts and behaviors that you can’t seem to get rid of, you might consider reaching out for professional help. Recognizing our issues and seeking professional help when necessary is pivotal to good parenting.

Today, I hope that you are able to take a moment to celebrate yourself, and rejoice in the fact that you are indeed a “good enough” mother!