Recovering From a Narcissistic Partner is extremely difficult.
If you have found the professional help necessary and gained enough courage and insight to leave a narcissist, then you have accomplished an enormously difficult task. You have found the strength and support of others to leave a relationship that has kept you an emotional prisoner. You have left a complicated and confusing relationship that has almost destroyed you.
Self-Blame.
What is probably happening right now is that you are berating yourself. You’re looking back on the years of insanity and you’re mentally beating yourself up for not having figured it out sooner. Some individuals have even shared how they have been disgusted with themselves for putting up with such complete humiliation and psychological abuse.
However, what you must do is continue your support and therapy and recognize that blaming yourself is exactly what the narcissist wants you to do. The narcissist would be happy to know that you’re mentally beating yourself up.
We have to accept the fact that we were diluted. For years we drank the Kool-Aid.
We thought that somehow feeding the narcissists ego and encouraging the narcissist and apologizing constantly and accepting blame for things we never did…. that we would be able to turn things around. For years you were probably hoping that they would finally acknowledge you -and appreciate you – and love you.
Healing and recovering from a narcissistic partner begins with stopping the self-blame and recognizing that you are a person of value, someone who is intelligent and deserves to be loved.
Self-Doubt:
As you explore your childhood in therapy, you will probably begin to put the pieces together as to why you fell in love with a narcissist. One of the keys is that you were taught as a child to doubt yourself.
You were probably giving mixed messages, confusing messages, which seemed to contradict your own experience and your own reality. However as a child you’re unable to think in abstract terms and so you simply put your trust in what that parent told you.
If you had a parent that constantly challenged your thinking and criticized your thinking, then growing up you learned to not trust your intuition. You actually learned to not trust yourself and your own reactions and your own experiences. This was fertile ground for you marrying a narcissist.
Boundaries:
Rather than focusing on what you didn’t do, you must NOW focus on what you are doing. You must focus on the present and the future. Focusing on the present is important because you’ve got to continue to protect yourself from the narcissists attacks. They are not going to give up easily. They will find friendships that you have, employees that you might know… They will find every way possible to keep trying to get you back into the prison.
So unfortunately for a while you need to continue to be on-guard and maintain strong boundaries in order to not fall back into endless and useless arguments with the narcissist.
Self Awareness:
As you’re in the process of recovering from a narcissistic partner, you must continue in therapy for quite some time as well as maintain your support system. The reason for this is to help prevent you from falling back into another narcissistic relationship. Self-awareness is a key factor in preventing a relapse into a narcissistic relationship.
You’re needing to learn how to understand your reactions and emotions when you’re entering into a new friendship. Having been in a narcissist relationship you tend to ignore your feelings and reactions. So becoming self-aware is a whole new world for you. You must begin to listen to yourself and to your gut. You’ve got to begin to be aware of your body and your feelings along with your reactions when you’re starting a new friendship.
In beginning a new relationship, if you’re sensing that you feel some shame or some embarrassment or an insult, this is a possible indication that you’re beginning a friendship with a narcissist. You must start paying attention to your feelings and reactions. This will protect you from falling for the same Lies that you heard for so long.
Go forth with Courage and Grace.
Steven D. Unruh.
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