“Keeping secrets is killing you.” This thought-provoking statement struck me like a bolt of lightning. What if we have it all wrong? What if the key to truly knowing ourselves lies not in introspection, but in sharing our innermost thoughts and feelings with others? Let’s dive into this paradox of self-revelation and how it impacts our lives.
Hi, I’m Steven Unruh, a mediator and psychotherapist with over 30 years of experience. In my practice, I’ve seen how the act of concealing or revealing ourselves can make or break our mental, emotional, and physical well-being. Let’s explore this three-part problem, and find our path to healing.
The Three-Part Problem: Obsession, Healing, and Debilitation
1. Obsessing Over Our Flaws
We often focus on what we lack, preventing us from capitalizing on our strengths, and this skewed focus becomes a trap that can hinder our progress. Many years ago, I ran a nonprofit in Pasadena, an ambitious and exciting venture dedicated to counseling the underserved in our community. Although the mission was close to my heart, I quickly realized that managing the day-to-day responsibilities was not where my strengths lay; keeping people accountable and maintaining all the intricate moving parts felt overwhelming.
Recognizing these challenges, I made the wise decision to hand over the reins to someone more suited to the task, and instead of seeing it as a failure, I embraced it as a moment of personal growth. Rather than dwelling on what I lacked, I discovered the true nature of my talents and passions, and I turned my focus towards the other aspects of my life that brought me joy and fulfillment, learning a valuable lesson about self-awareness and the importance of playing to my strengths.
2. Healing Occurs When We Reveal Ourselves
Holding onto pain secretly is more than just an internal burden; it’s a debilitating factor that keeps us isolated and disconnected. We were created to be in community, to share our lives, our fears, and our dreams. Opening up allows others to be agents of healing for us, providing a support system that nurtures our growth. The powerful thought that “revealing who we are not only gives us a more accurate view of ourselves but it brings joy to the person who feels valued enough that we would share ourselves with them” resonates deeply, underlining the importance of transparency and connection in our lives.
3. Keeping Secrets is Debilitating
Keeping secrets is more than just a personal struggle; it becomes a philosophical problem, leading us down a path where we deny ourselves the essential gifts of forgiveness and acceptance. By holding onto secrets, we inadvertently build walls that keep us trapped, cutting ourselves off from the very freedom we crave. In my 30 years as a mediator and psychotherapist, time and again, I’ve heard painful stories from individuals who have concealed their pain for years, sometimes even decades. This concealment often leads to debilitating effects such as shame, depression, addictions, and a significant loss of creativity and productivity. Recognizing the profound impact of keeping secrets, it’s clear that opening up and sharing our burdens with others can set us on the path to healing and self-liberation.
The Path to Freedom: Revealing Yourself
So, how do we break free from these traps? Here’s what you can do:
Find a Competent Therapist
- Share honestly about your fears and dreams.
- Learn how to be open and real.
- Graduate from psychotherapy into vibrant relationships without the fear of judgment.
Embrace the Power of Community
- Connect with trusted friends who offer a balanced picture of ourselves.
- Let others be agents of healing, accepting kind, thoughtful, and compassionate words.
- Share your life and be known, bringing joy and value to others.
Your Next Step: From Secrets to Freedom
The journey toward healing and freedom starts with one crucial step: revealing yourself. Don’t deny yourself the opportunity for forgiveness, acceptance, and growth; take action today by finding a therapist to share honestly about yourself, and opening up with people you trust, moving past fears into vibrant relationships. Embrace the joy of living in community, where mutual exchange without judgment becomes a cornerstone of your life. As someone who has guided countless individuals on this path, I invite you to embark on this journey of self-discovery and healing. Reach out to me today, and let’s take the first step toward your vibrant and meaningful life.
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