One of the greatest problems I see today with teenagers and even young adults in their twenties is that they have been raised without sufficient consequences. Often I see young people in their mid-twenties who have thousands of dollars in credit card debt. Rather than working full-time and finding ways to pay off their debts, they are only working part-time so they have enough time to live a spoiled lifestyle. They want to make sure that they have enough time to go to the gym and party with their friends. Some of these young adults are going to learn their lessons and grow into adulthood, but many of them are exhibiting narcissistic behaviors that could last their lifetime.

What is Narcissism?

Narcissism is a complex personality disorder that comes from biological, psychological, and social influences. As a psychotherapist, I’m keenly aware of the significant role of early relationships, particularly those with primary caregivers, in shaping an individual’s self-perception, emotional regulation, and interpersonal dynamics. 

How to Raise a Narcissist

In short, I believe that parents play a primary role in shaping narcissists from their earliest experiences onward. Here are the five most surefire ways to ensure your child becomes a narcissist and stays that way:

1. Outlaw empathy: Parents who are wildly inconsistent in their ability to empathize with their child can create an insecure attachment in their children. When a child’s needs for affection, validation, or attention are inconsistently met, the child usually compensates by overvaluing their own worth and underestimating others’ worth to protect against feelings of rejection or abandonment. These children learn to not care about how their actions affect others because they are focused on inflating their own worth in order to gain the validation of the parents. Over time, this erodes their capacity for empathy for others. If you want to raise a narcissist, be as unpredictable as possible in the way you empathize with your child.
2. Protect your child from consequences: Lack of consequences in children and young adults will create narcissistic traits within them. When children are raised without sufficient consequences, they can develop a sense of entitlement, leading to unrealistic expectations of life and other people. Without consequences, your children will learn not to problem solve on their own. They will develop a belief that they are not responsible for themselves, and that it’s the responsibility of everyone else to rescue them. Protecting your child from natural consequences is a clear path to narcissism.
3. Inflate their self-importance: Children who are excessively admired and praised by their parents, with little or no boundaries set, may develop a sense of entitlement and superiority. Children who have everything fixed for them grow up believing that they’re special and that others are not. This sets them up for failure, fostering a distorted self-image, where the child feels overly important and expects constant attention and admiration from others. 
4. Perpetuate trauma and abuse: Experiencing trauma or abuse in childhood can lead to the development of narcissistic behaviors as a defense mechanism. Experiences that engender feelings of insecurity, fear, or worthlessness can catalyze the development of narcissistic traits as a coping mechanism that protects them from the trauma they are living with.
5. Model narcissism: Children of narcissistic parents may mimic these behaviors as they grow. Narcissistic parents often project their grandiosity and superiority onto their children, leading the children to adopt these traits. When my kids were younger, at a basketball practice, a woman lost her cell phone. The next week, she noticed a 12 year old boy who was using what was clearly her lost phone. When she brought this up to the father, the father began to scream at her and intimidate her for even considering that his boy was a thief. Not only was the father protecting his son from the natural consequences of criminal behavior, but the father’s tantrum showed that he was just as narcissistic and emotionally immature as his 12-year-old son. The father was creating in his son the idea that his son could do no wrong. Sadly this was a narcissistic man raising a narcissistic child. A narcissistic parent can instill a sense of impunity and entitlement in their children, contributing to the child’s own narcissistic tendencies.

Destructive Relationships Ahead

Raising a narcissistic child is the quickest way to ensure their relationships are cursed with perpetual conflict and rupture. They will rarely make amends and they will treat their significant other and friends as objects. Furthermore, they will be sure to raise their own children as narcissists as well, multiplying the number of narcissists in our communities and world.

Our Responsibility as Parents

It’s important to note that the above factors alone or even combined don’t necessarily guarantee that a child will grow up to develop narcissistic traits or Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Many children face these circumstances without developing narcissistic tendencies. We are not the only influences in our child’s life. It’s also crucial to remember that the development of personality traits and disorders is complex and multifaceted, and you should seek professional help if narcissistic traits are negatively impacting your life or the life of your child.

On the other hand, parenting matters! It is our responsibility as parents to be intentional about how we show up in our children’s lives. Our goal as parents is to love and protect our children, and to slowly give them more and more independence along with the ability to make choices. This will encourage their self-esteem and give them a sense that they can impact their world in positive ways. Along the way, as we protect, love, and guide our children, we teach them practical life lessons. One of those lessons is that life has consequences.

Providing consistent empathy, healthy boundaries, and age appropriate consequences to your children will help them grow up to become well-balanced and empathic individuals.