You thought getting divorced would be difficult. You may not have expected it to feel like a battle over every conversation, decision, document, and dollar. One day, you’re simply trying to move forward with your life. The next, you’re responding to accusations, changing demands, emotional manipulation, or conflict that seems to have no end. And the hardest part? You may wonder whether there is any way to get through your divorce without becoming completely exhausted in the process. There is—and knowing what not to do can make a tremendous difference.
When Divorce Becomes a Battle of Control
Divorce is challenging under the best of circumstances. But when you are divorcing someone who consistently displays narcissistic or highly controlling behaviors, the process can become even more complicated.
You may find yourself dealing with constant arguments, shifting expectations, refusal to compromise, blame, intimidation, or attempts to pull you into emotional battles. Instead of focusing on practical decisions about property, finances, parenting, and your future, you can find yourself spending your energy defending yourself.
And that takes a toll. You may feel anxious, frustrated, angry, or powerless. You may second-guess your decisions and wonder whether standing up for yourself will only create more conflict. You may desperately want the divorce to be over, but feel trapped in a cycle that keeps pulling you back into the conflict.
It also feels deeply unfair. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice your peace simply because someone else refuses to cooperate. You shouldn’t have to spend years and enormous amounts of money fighting over issues that could potentially be resolved through productive communication.
But divorce does not have to be a battle you win or lose. There is another way forward.
A Different Way Forward: Focus on What You Can Control
I’m Steven Unruh, a divorce mediator with more than 40 years of experience helping people navigate difficult family and divorce situations.
I understand that divorce is about much more than paperwork. It’s about your home, your finances, your children, your future, and your ability to move forward with confidence.
If you are dealing with a high-conflict spouse or someone who exhibits narcissistic behaviors, my goal is to help you stay focused on what matters and make informed decisions rather than getting pulled into unnecessary conflict.
Here are 10 mistakes to avoid when divorcing a narcissist or high-conflict spouse.
1. Don’t Try to Win Every Argument
You may feel compelled to correct every accusation or defend yourself against every unfair statement. But responding to every provocation can keep you trapped in the conflict.
Ask yourself: Does responding help resolve the divorce, or does it simply keep the argument going?
Focus your energy on decisions that actually affect your future.
2. Don’t Let Emotions Drive Every Decision
Anger and frustration are completely understandable during divorce. But making decisions primarily out of anger can have consequences long after the emotions have passed.
Before responding, give yourself time to think. Consider the financial, parenting, and long-term consequences—not just how you feel in the moment.
3. Don’t Communicate Without a Purpose
Long emotional messages can create more opportunities for conflict.
When communication is necessary, keep it:
- Brief
- Clear
- Factual
- Focused on the issue
- Free from unnecessary accusations
You don’t have to respond to every statement. You only need to address what actually requires a response.
4. Don’t Get Pulled Into Defending Yourself
A high-conflict spouse may make accusations that feel impossible to ignore.
But constantly proving that you are “right” can become exhausting.
Instead, focus on documentation, facts, and the decisions that need to be made. Let the process—not endless arguments—address legitimate disagreements.
5. Don’t Use Your Children as Messengers
Children should not be placed in the middle of adult conflict.
Avoid asking them to deliver messages, gather information, take sides, or report on the other parent. Even when your frustrations are justified, protecting your children from the conflict should remain a priority.
Your children deserve the opportunity to maintain healthy relationships without carrying the emotional burden of the divorce.
6. Don’t Assume Every Disagreement Requires Court
Litigation has an important place when necessary, particularly when safety or legal rights are at stake. But not every disagreement needs to become a courtroom battle.
Divorce mediation can provide a structured environment where both spouses work toward mutually acceptable agreements with the guidance of a neutral mediator.
Mediation may help couples:
- Reduce unnecessary conflict
- Maintain greater control over decisions
- Address issues collaboratively
- Protect privacy
- Reduce the time and expense associated with prolonged litigation
- Create more workable agreements for the future
For some high-conflict couples, mediation may not be appropriate. But when both people can participate safely and negotiate in good faith, it can be a valuable alternative.
7. Don’t Neglect Your Financial Information
Knowledge gives you confidence.
Make sure you understand your financial situation, including income, assets, debts, retirement accounts, property, and other relevant financial information.
Don’t make financial decisions simply because you are tired of fighting. Understand what you are agreeing to before you agree to it.
8. Don’t Make Threats You Don’t Intend to Follow Through On
Statements made in anger can quickly escalate conflict.
Instead of threatening consequences, focus on clear boundaries and practical next steps. If something needs to be addressed, address it through the appropriate process.
Calm consistency is often more productive than escalating the confrontation.
9. Don’t Forget That the Divorce Is Only One Chapter
When you’re in the middle of a difficult divorce, it can feel like the conflict will last forever.
It won’t.
Your divorce is a transition—not your entire future. Try to make decisions that serve the life you want to build after the divorce rather than decisions designed solely to punish your spouse today.
10. Don’t Try to Navigate Everything Alone
You don’t have to figure out every financial, parenting, legal, and emotional question by yourself.
Build a support team that may include qualified professionals such as a divorce mediator, attorney, financial professional, or therapist, depending on your circumstances.
The right support can help you replace uncertainty with a plan.
“But What If My Spouse Won’t Cooperate?”
This is one of the biggest concerns I hear from people considering mediation.
Mediation does not magically make a difficult spouse cooperative. And it isn’t appropriate for every situation.
But mediation can provide structure around difficult conversations and help shift the focus away from winning an argument and toward resolving specific issues.
The goal isn’t to change your spouse.
The goal is to help you make good decisions about the things you can control.
Ready to Move Forward?
You may not be able to control how your spouse behaves during your divorce. But you can control how you respond, how prepared you are, and how you approach the decisions that will shape your future.
After more than 40 years as a divorce mediator, I’ve seen how much of a difference it can make when people have a clear process and someone experienced helping them navigate difficult decisions.
If you’re facing a high-conflict divorce and wondering whether mediation could be right for your situation, let’s talk about your options.
You don’t have to spend the next chapter of your life fighting the last one. With the right approach, you can work toward a clearer agreement, protect what matters most, and begin moving forward with greater confidence and peace.
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