The Real Problem: When Narcissists Flip the Script

Narcissists are master manipulators. They crave attention, control, and admiration. So when you take that away—by choosing to leave—they panic. To stay in control, they switch tactics: they become the victim.

They may cry in front of others. Tell stories that twist the truth just enough to sound believable. They might say you’re unstable, abusive, or vindictive. They pull on the heartstrings of people who don’t know the full picture—and who, understandably, fall for the act.

Meanwhile, you’re left defending yourself, trying to explain a situation that’s impossible to sum up in a sentence or two. You might feel exhausted, misunderstood, and even start doubting yourself.

And worst of all—it just feels wrong. It’s wrong that someone can treat you poorly for years, then walk away wearing a halo. It’s wrong that your courage to leave is being used against you. But it doesn’t have to stay this way. There’s a better path forward.

A Better Way to Divorce

My name is Steven Unruh, and I’ve spent over 30 years guiding people through divorce as a mediator—especially those leaving high-conflict and emotionally manipulative relationships.

If you’re divorcing a narcissist who’s pretending to be the victim, I want you to know: you’re not alone. And you’re not powerless. There are real, concrete steps you can take to protect yourself, reclaim your voice, and move forward with confidence. Let me walk you through them.

1. Recognize the Pattern for What It Is

This isn’t random. It’s a tactic. Narcissists use victimhood to win sympathy, distract from their behavior, and keep control of the narrative.

Once you realize this, you can stop reacting emotionally—and start responding strategically. Don’t waste time trying to convince others who are deep in the narcissist’s web. Focus instead on grounding yourself in truth.

2. Keep Detailed, Neutral Records

Trying to “prove” yourself to others rarely works in these situations. But keeping neutral, detailed documentation does.

Log all communication. Save texts, emails, voicemails—anything that shows patterns. If possible, use parenting communication apps that track and timestamp every message. This gives you a clear, credible record that isn’t based on opinion—it’s based on fact.

3. Use Mediation to Stay Out of the Performance Arena

Court can feel like a stage. Narcissists often thrive in litigation because they love attention and drama.

Mediation is different. It’s private, calm, and focused on resolution. As your mediator, I keep the conversation grounded in facts—not feelings—and create an environment where manipulation doesn’t get to call the shots. You’ll be heard. You’ll be respected. And you won’t have to play by their script.

4. Build a Team That Understands Narcissistic Behavior

You don’t need to do this alone. And in fact—you shouldn’t.

Therapists, legal professionals, and mediators who understand narcissistic patterns can help you stay focused, protect your mental health, and make decisions based on logic instead of emotion. Make sure your support system includes people who see through the act and keep you centered.

5. Protect the Kids Without Fueling the Fire

If children are involved, narcissists often use them to manipulate or provoke you. They may make false claims, miss pickups, or turn the kids against you.

One of the best things you can do is establish clear boundaries and structure. Use detailed parenting plans. Communicate only through approved platforms. And avoid emotionally charged exchanges. Kids thrive in consistency—and so will you.

What If You’re Still Unsure?

Maybe you’re thinking, “This won’t work with my ex. They’ll never agree to mediation.” Or, “I don’t know how to stand up to them anymore.”

Let me be honest with you: narcissists don’t change. But you can change the way you respond. Mediation isn’t about convincing them to be fair. It’s about protecting your peace while getting the outcome you need. And you’d be surprised how often mediation does work—even when one party is manipulative—when the process is guided by someone who knows what to look for.

Let’s Take the Power Back—Together

You’ve already done the hardest part: leaving. Now it’s time to reclaim your voice, your peace, and your future.

As a seasoned divorce mediator, I’ve helped hundreds of people like you move forward with strength and clarity—even in the face of narcissistic abuse. You don’t need to fight every lie or defend every story. You just need the right support and a path that puts you back in control.

Schedule a confidential consultation today.
Together, we’ll build a strategy that frees you from the drama, protects what matters, and lets you breathe again.