9 Ways to Tell if You’re in an Abusive Marriage

Let’s consider the story of Elizabeth and Mark during her final year of college. He was charming, handsome, and seemingly everything she had dreamed of in a partner. After graduation, they got married, eagerly starting a new chapter in their lives.

But as time passed, things began to change. He began to regularly belittle her in front of their friends, making snide remarks about her intelligence or her ability to maintain a home. Elizabeth felt humiliated, but Mark dismissed it as ‘jokes,’ and told her she was too sensitive.

Elizabeth also noticed their financial dynamic was skewed. Mark held sole access to their bank accounts, doling out a ‘monthly allowance’ to Elizabeth, even though it was their joint savings from before she quit her job. When she brought it up, he quickly shut her down, asserting that he was ‘better at handling money.’

Physical violence hadn’t reared its ugly head, but Elizabeth began to feel increasingly scared, walking on eggshells around Mark. She often found herself changing her behavior in fear of his criticism or outbursts.

Elizabeth spent months feeling uncertain, struggling to decide if she was being oversensitive or if she was indeed, trapped in an abusive marriage.

Elizabeth’s story is a testament to the complexity of identifying an abusive relationship. Many victims grapple with self-doubt, guilt, and fear, often exacerbated by their partner’s manipulation and control.

What is an abusive marriage?

What really constitutes an abusive relationship or marital abuse? When does it cross the line?

Marital abuse isn’t just about physical harm; it’s also about emotional, verbal, or even financial abuse. The telltale sign of an abusive relationship is a recurring pattern of harmful behaviors intended to exert power and control over the other partner.

So why do people like Elizabeth find themselves stuck in abusive marriages? The reasons are as varied as the individuals involved. Fear, emotional dependency, financial instability, or even societal pressure often plays a crucial role in binding them to their abusers.

What is at stake staying in an abusive marriage?

Staying in an abusive marriage poses significant risks. The potential damage extends beyond physical injuries; the psychological impact can be profound and long-lasting. Victims may develop depression, anxiety, and even PTSD. The toll on one’s self-esteem and personal dignity is immeasurable.

9 Red Flags

As a seasoned divorce mediator with over 30 years of experience in helping individuals trapped in abusive marriages regain their freedom and dignity, I want to help you get clear on whether your marriage is abusive. Here are 9 red flags to watch for that may be signs you’re in an abusive marriage:

1. Constant Fear: If you frequently feel afraid of your partner’s reactions, or if you find yourself constantly walking on eggshells to avoid confrontation, this can signal an abusive relationship. This alone does not signal an abusive marriage, but it can be one component of identification.
2. Control and Isolation: If your partner is controlling your daily activities, cutting you off from friends and family, or holding the reins on your possessions and resources without your agreement, these actions are typically indicative of an abusive marriage dynamic.
3. Disrespect and Belittlement: Regular belittlement, constant criticism, or dismissive behavior towards your feelings and opinions can be forms of emotional abuse.
4. Physical Harm: Any form of physical harm, from pushing and shoving to more severe forms of violence, is a clear red flag. Remember, no amount of physical harm is acceptable in a relationship. If you’re experiencing any physical violence, pack up your things now and get to a safe place immediately.
5. Sexual Coercion or Assault: If your partner pressures you into sexual activities against your will, ignores your boundaries, or uses manipulation or force to obtain sexual favors, it’s a clear sign of sexual abuse.
6. Gaslighting: This is a form of psychological manipulation where the abuser causes you to question your own reality, memory, or perceptions. If your partner frequently denies incidents of abuse, changes the narrative, or blames you for their abusive behavior, they are likely gaslighting you.
7. Threats and Intimidation: If your partner uses threats (against you, themselves, or others you care about) or intimidation techniques to control you, this is an abusive behavior. This could include threatening to take away your children or harm your pets.
8. Financial Abuse: This occurs when your partner exerts control over your financial resources, leaving you dependent and without any financial freedom. They might limit your access to bank accounts, control how money is spent, prevent you from working, or run up debts in your name.
9. Violations of Privacy: If your partner invades your personal privacy, such as reading your messages, emails, or mail without your consent, or demands to know your whereabouts at all times, it might be a form of control and abuse.

It’s hard to make a change

It’s important to remember that you may not always be able to recognize an abusive relationship from the inside, especially if your partner minimizes, denies, or blames you for their behavior. Trust your feelings and intuition; any of the above red flags sound familiar, reach out to trusted friends, family, and most importantly, a professional. Nobody deserves to live in fear, and help is available to guide you toward safety and recovery.

Taking your next steps towards freedom and dignity

As a professional psychotherapist and divorce mediator, I am here to help guide you through these obstacles towards a healthier future. I offer free initial consultations to explore your situation, provide professional insight, and help you create a plan for your next steps towards freedom and dignity.

Recognizing that you are in an abusive relationship requires immense courage. Overcoming the fear of change, societal judgement, and financial uncertainty is daunting. At the same time, it’s important to not let fear rob you of the happiness and peace you deserve. Reach out, speak up, and take the first step towards reclaiming your life. After all, the courage to change always starts with a single step.